Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
