I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize