He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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