he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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