I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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