mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize