I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
