Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
