I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
