her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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