This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
