Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
