You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
