On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
