i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
