Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
