im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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