i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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