he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
