Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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