Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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