your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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