Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
