I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
