i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
