I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
