In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Life is so much better after having sex.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
