Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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