I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
