someone threw a dead crab at me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
be right there i have to get my cape
Let's get the cat blown out
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
