I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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