They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize