based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
