I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
