i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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