MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
