Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
