You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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