you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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