matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
