I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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