People in love make me want to vomit
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
