i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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