he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
