I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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