I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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