But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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