In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
