i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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