pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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