wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
