WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
