I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
