When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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