bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
