What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
