i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
