Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
