it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
