Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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