the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
