I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
