i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
